I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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