hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
