You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize