What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The power of my boobs compel you
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
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