i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
