I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
