Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
