im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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