i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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