I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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