i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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