just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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