He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Randomize
