I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
