a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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