I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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