just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
