oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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