i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
