my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
