I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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