Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You are a genius and a whore.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
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