I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
