He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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