the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
