The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
my poor anus
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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