My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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