tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
