im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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