I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
