not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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