he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
