Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
