when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
