So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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