What a fucking waste of an outfit
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
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