I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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