I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
