like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Dignity is for republicans.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
