He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
