I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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