Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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