You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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