I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
