listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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