I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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