I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
