i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
