Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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