hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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