the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
