I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
